Wrestling With Angels by Naomi H. Rosenblatt

Author:Naomi H. Rosenblatt [Rosenblatt, Naomi H.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-8041-4979-2
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2013-05-22T00:00:00+00:00

BALANCING THE COMPETING

INTERESTS OF STEPFAMILIES

Most of us set out to build a tightly knit and self-contained nuclear family fashioned on an Ozzie and Harriet motif of domestic harmony. But as often as not, we find ourselves with an amalgam of children, stepchildren, spouses, ex-spouses, and somebody else’s furniture and pets. Much as we may sometimes wish to, we don’t have Sarah’s recourse of simply casting out the characters who are complicating the family mix. We have to work with what we have, which often requires a sensitive balancing act.

Stepmothers have been maligned in folktales throughout history. As this biblical story about Sarah and her stepson teaches us, and as anthropological studies attest, there is an innate conflict of interests between a stepmother and her stepchildren. The stepmother may see the stepchild as encroaching on her relationship with her husband. And if she has her own child, as Sarah does, she may see a stepchild as competition for the father’s resources and attention. The absence of a biological bond only exacerbates this perceived threat.

How can we reconcile the conflicting interests of a modern compound family? Here are some suggestions for women who are trying to fill the demanding role of stepmother:

• Have realistic expectations. Expect conflict with your stepchildren—it’s a complex and difficult relationship. Don’t expect to build love and trust overnight. If you start with respect and cooperation, love may well follow.

• Don’t try to “cast out” the biological mother. Don’t try to replace her. Whether you like it or not, she’s part of the extended family. Try to be tolerant and flexible.

• Assume that the father will have divided loyalties. He will always be linked to his children and, to a lesser degree, their mother.

• Remember that you can grow to love your stepchild without betraying your own children.

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